What ho, chaps. Tis I, The Gentleman Drinker, coming at you on this visual wax cylinder thingy. That villanous The Editor has naffed orf to some Stag Do for the Easter weekend without yours truly being invited, so I’ve got all up inside his Magazine. Odds are I’ll get bored of all these buttons and dash orf to some soiree, so don’t panic if Rum & Reviews goes a bit quiet for a few days, what what. The Editor is like a honey-badger in an apiary when he’s orf on these box socials, so the dastardly blackguard will no doubt have a crushed egg for a head come next week. Still, one must be a gent, I suppose. Let’s hope he reads his own advice on how to stave off a ravaging hangover. Never get them meself…
The Christmas Hangover Miracle Cure
In his survival guide, Chris Hall referenced my advice, which was to have a goddamn hangover kit the size of shoebox. Now, if you’re looking for a sure-fire cure to the hangover, here it is: don’t drink. Radical, obvious and somewhat boring. We poor fools looking for something adventurous can only mitigate the ill effects of last night’s excesses.
There really is no single measure which is proven to work every time. This has resulted in hundreds of creative attempts in the effort to discover the drinker’s Holy Grail. So, in the style of spread betting, why not try several ‘cures’ at the same time?
This is where the shoebox comes in. Find a good sized box and pack it in advance of your Christmas excesses with some, or all, of the following:
Painkillers (ideally those Anadin 3-in-1; the aspirin, caffeine and paracetamol tablets, otherwise aspirin or paracetamol will do, whatever your preference)
Can of Nurishment
Carton of orange juice (1 litre)
Carton of tomato juice (1 litre)
Can of Energy Drink
Apocalypse Now Redux on DVD
Recipe Card #1: The Praire Oyster
Recipe Card #2: The Bloody Mary
Method: Drink a pint of water and take three painkillers before you pass out. Don’t worry too much about this, you’ll probably forget to do it anyway. First thing in the morning, retrieve the shoebox. With either the orange juice, Nurishment, or water, consume: 3 painkillers, 2 pro-plus, 1 antacid and a vitamin tablet. The psychological impact of swallowing half a pharmacy will already begin to improve your situation.
Now , with shoebox underarm, toddle down to the kitchen and make either a Prairie Oyster, a Bloody Mary, or both. The concept behind these drinks is they are much worse than what ails you, so much so you forget about your hangover altogether. In theory, anyway; remember there’s no such thing as a sure-fire cure.
Here’s where preparing recipe cards in advance will pay dividends. Preferably, you’ll have printed from a computer in large font on a piece of card, but in a pinch your crap handwriting on the back of a dirty beer mat will do, because either way as long as it’s written down you can muddle through. Odds are you can barely remember where your kitchen is, much less a cocktail recipe, in your current state.
We know you’re too lazy to even Google either recipe, so here they are:
Break one raw egg (yes, really) into a tumbler
Add two dashes of Worcestershire sauce,
One dash of Tabasco sauce (or more, if it’s a particularly bad hangover)
Salt and pepper
Down it in one
Fill a glass with ice
Add two measures of vodka
Squeeze in the juice of half a lemon
Splurge in 6 dashes of Worcester sauce
Squirt in 3 lashings of Tabasco sauce
Sprinkle salt and pepper to taste
Stir with a stick of celery
If you lack any of the above ingredients don’t stop, just keep going. If something from your kitchen spice rack of condiment collection catches your eye don’t hesitate to throw it in. The leftover nutmeg from the eggnog? Why not. Mustard? Go for it. When you’re ready, sup it down.
After this hellish round of Victorian restoratives, make your pot noodle and cabbage out in front of Apocalypse Now Redux while drinking the rest of your juices and Nurishment. When the DVD is finished, you’ll feel fresh enough to take on another drinking session.